I’m afraid of rejection,
and my heart being broken…again.
Why do I let myself suffer? :’(
If anyone is annoyed by my negative statuses/posts, know that I am hopeful that someone at least pays attention. And in a good way. God only knows how many times I got called out for it in high school whilst no one actually knew what I was going through and that I wanted someone to at least pretend to care. Yes, it is seeking attention. I do not deny that. But it is seeking the kind of attention I don’t ever get.
I never go out anymore, and if I do…I’m just tagging along with my parents to run errands. The last really fun thing I did was Mayhem…and that was actually almost 2 weeks ago. And I went with my sister and her boyfriend. Last Sunday, I sat by a pool (because I hate being in a bathing suit and swimming in front of everyone) with my only actual friend and talked for a while. That was one of 2 times I saw her all summer.
Never EVER say “I know how you feel” or “I understand” - cause my situation is nothing like yours or one that you went through. Unless it was with the same exact people, the same exact time, and the same exact brain as me…YOU DO NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND. I have severe social anxiety, depression, a fear of intimacy, and a weight problem due to those and other physical health problems. I have been through a grand total of 4 psychologists and 2 psychiatrists…and am on my new (second attempt at an) anti-depressant.
Reading what I type is NOT LISTENING TO WHAT I SAY. If you are not hearing my actual voice and witnessing my feelings firsthand…YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. If I see one damn “I’m here if you wanna talk” or a “I’m always here to listen” message, I swear to God I will FUCKING lose it.
I have said this before and I will say it again…if your arms are NOT physically around me, YOU ARE NOT hugging me. Sending “*hug*” helps nothing. Just like saying you’re “here to listen”…it does not help. It has never helped. It will never help. A real relationship does not bloom by reading texts…it’s about knowing that someone will always be there for you no matter how bad it is…and is willing to come to the rescue and hold you until your tears dry.
I fucking hate crying every night and I hate that I’m so fucking alone all the damn time.
Robin Williams dedicated his life to making people laugh, even if he himself could not be happy.
Depression is a real, monstrous thing. Depression doesn’t give a shit about how famous you are, how rich you are…doesn’t care who you are. It shuts you down…it takes over your life.
What pisses me off is that there are people who think that either people fake being (so very and truly) depressed for attention or that we can just snap out of it. And also (like the title) the fact that people are just now realizing how real it is. People (like myself) take medication for it….just to ease it a little bit. But it never goes away. Ever.
Sometimes I question my sanity. Sometimes it replies.